*Warning: This post contains horrible grammar and terrible spelling. It was intentional and yes it hurt me with every word written.
First off, sorry It’s been so long between posts. Putting walls into a house is tedious work. Once we’re settled I’ll get back into regular postings. I have a bunch of drafts started, just have to finish/edit things.
Anyway, to the story:
Today, like many other days, I got a text from someone. At first I wasn’t sure who… I’ll just show you:
Text from her: Hey hunni i miss u
Ok, there are a select few people in this world who can call me hunni and tell me they miss me without my wife raging into a frothing frenzy of tooth and nail. The thing is, there was no name attached to the text. I was confused so I had to find out what was…
Text from me: Who is this?
(From now on, assume that there is an invisible “Text from ” In front of Her and Me)
Her: Lol its your fav white girl t get it together
At this point I only have one question: Is her name “t” or is that supposed to be my name? So I did what you normally do when you realize you’ve gotten a text from someone who’s obviously put in the wrong number: I pretended to be “t”.
Me: Wat u doin gurl?
I know, I know– The spelling and grammar is atrocious but I was pretending to be someone this girl knew and I assumed they probably typed the same way. Turns out, I was right.
Her: Workin what u doin
Me: Bout to hit up taco bell
(I just want to point out that the t-9 on my phone had to be taught how to spell “taco.” Also, I couldn’t use t-9 for most of the conversation because it doesn’t understand terrible spelling… except for Wat. For some reason it would spell wat.
Also, I feel bad at this point for lying to her. I was not, in fact, going to taco bell, I was on the way to pick up my kids. Still, I was headed to a destination so I suppose that has to count for something.
Her: U work today
Me: Naw gurl why u comin 2 see me latr
Here’s where my master plan falls into place. I figure, if I can actually pull this off, “t” will end up getting some play out of the deal, assuming he keeps it cool and doesn’t fuck up and tell her it wasn’t him. It also depends on her continuing to believe my texts.
Her: Maybe i have to work a little late today
Me: When u get off
Here’s where I start to worry because her responses start to take around ten minutes. I figure either she is catching on or… right. She’s at work. Just to be sure I send another text.
Me: It don matter if im in bed u can jus get in wit me
This was a tense moment. Here’s where we find out if “t” is in or not.
Her: Lol well ok im there im not sure what time im leavin yet
Aww yeah! Dude is in! Now to seal the deal. Chicks love it when you ask about them…
Me: Wat u doin at work right now?
Shit! Punctuation! What have I done? I ruined it. Also, what the fuck was I thinking? Chicks go for assholes and they don’t give a shit what girls do, they just want to know why they’re not in the kitchen.
Her: Typin an email y
SHIT! SHE KNOWS! Play it cool man, play it cool. I did the one sure thing I knew would turn it back around, I made it about me.
Me: Bored an eatin my chalupa hit me wit a text before u head ova so i can get a shower if i didnt yet
I remember having to delete the apostrophe from didn’t so I wouldn’t get found out. I also remembered my Taco Bell lie and thought the chalupa line would work well. It was time to cross my fingers and hope she bought it.
Her: Ok babes
So, to the dude I just got a surprise booty call: Play it cool and YOU’RE WELCOME.
To the chick who thought I was “t”: Work your magic girl.
To everyone else: What do you think? Was that WRONG or AWESOME?
Sing it with me T!