I made a decision pretty early on (right around the ball shaving post) that I would be honest in this blog; honest to a fault. Originally I wasn’t going to tell anyone I knew that the blog was mine so who cares if I was honest, no one would know it was me. Well that didn’t last long. but it’s alright. I’ll be honest with you fuckers.
So let me tell you how this post is going to go: This is going to be one of those very honest posts where I probably say too much. Additionally, I hurt my neck/back yesterday in the yard. What does that have to do with anything? I hear you say. Well, I took a muscle relaxer about five minutes ago and ibuprophen (Same as Motrin fuckahs!). If you know anything about me personally, you probably know that I almost never take drugs. So I am very… susceptible to their charms. Basically I’m… I’ve typed every word over at least once. And I’m feeling FABULOUS!!!
Right, back to honesty. No. Not honesty. FILF’s. Motherfuckin’ FILF’s. Is the apostraphe supposed to be there? Probably not. Do I care right now? Probably not.
Anyway: You’ve all got them. Even if you don’t let on, I know. Sorry I’m putting this out there in the open. But it’s time everyone just said it. You’ll thank me later. You have an acquaintance/friend/amigo/pal/etc… that you don’t want a relationship with, you just want to put the screws to them. (In case you’re wondering, I’m talking about you. All of you beautiful fuckers that are reading this. Unless you’re family in which case I should have told you already, don’t read this post. But fuck it! I don’t care. I don’t even care that all of this is in parentheses right now. Look: This is longer than the paragraph it’s in.)
So this post came about because I was on facebook thinking, “Damn, I would never want to date some of these people, but I would do terrible terrible things to them.”
Oh! This reminds me! This shit is going to win me awards, or lose me friends…
So I have this list. Damn, I haven’t thought about this in like, forever! (like, a thousand firefighters!) You know how most people have a “People I’d fuck” list right? Well not only do I have that, but I have a “People I’d fuck and kill” list. People I’d fuck, but then I’d immediately have to kill afterwards so I wouldn’t have to see their stupid faces ever again. I know, I know. Too much information I hear you screaming at the computer screen.
Well too bad. Leave the page or keep reading. Heh. The list has changed over the years, but it probably still has a few names on it. Honestly I’m too drugged right now to be able to think clearly about it.
You might be on there…
think of that…
FILFs! Back to FILFs! Now that we’re done with that trip down memory lane… So you know I’m not the only one out there. You know this girl or guy, might be annoying, might be really nice but for some reason you’d never want to involve them in more of your life than they are now. But damn, she’s got a phat ass (back to the 90’s baby!) that you could set a drink on or a body you could bounce a quarter off of.
The problem with these people is that once you think something like that, you can’t unthink that shit. So you’re constantly like, “Oh there’s that broad with the tappable ass.” Every time you’re sitting in church.
You guys want me to name some names? Yes! I hear some of you say. No! I hear everyone else say. Also, I hear my brain saying no. So fuck all you Yes people! –Get it?
So yeah, this post is just me saying, I know you think about this shit too, even if you’d never say it out loud.
I’m going to post this now, even though I’m drugged. I’ll read it tomorrow, but I’m going to keep whatever it says now. Promise.