Halo Reach: What have they done to you?

Halo Reach is awesome.  It is the best first-person-shooter-multi-player-online game out there.  At our house, we play it all the time.  My son loves firefight.  My wife and I and most of my friends love Team Slayer.  Team Slayer is a four-on-four “the team that gets fifty kills first wins” game that is just plain fun.

Just plain fun.

Usually it’s just two of us playing at a time, but we have friends who like to play.  When they come over we then have three or four people who want to get in on the Team Slayer action.  Perfect amount, I hear you saying to yourself, as the size of a team in Team Slayer is, in fact, four.

Yeah it is.

I agree.  So we try to get set up to play.  Everyone recovers their gamertag (a lengthy process), signs in and then we try to begin matchmaking.  Why isn’t it working we scream at the screen until we see the light blue sentence flashing near the top:  “Max number of local players exceeded.”

You could have just bought two of those controllers for all it's worth.

What the fuck?

This was a relatively recent change that Bungie (the people responsible for Halo Reach) apparently made to piss of us split-screeners for no apparent reason.  There are still other options, but they aren’t as good.

Why would you fucktards ever choose this over butter?

Squad slayer is a five-on-five game that accepts up to four local players so you’d think it would be pretty simple to switch to it.  Wrong.  Squad Slayer has two problems for players like us:

1.  Everyone who plays Squad Slayer spends ALL of their time playing Halo.  That’s all they do.  Play halo and sweat.

Just turned 35. Still in my parent's basement. Still pwning noobs.

So for us casual players, playing this is just suicide.  Our teams are never winners and it takes a lot out of you to get raped repeatedly by everyone you come up against.

2.  Armor Lock. Squad Slayer has a very specific lack of this armor ability.  How can I even try to kill half of the people I do on a regular basis without my main armor ability?  Answer:  I can’t.  I get beaten down horrifically.

Alright guys I'm ready to... *hgulrk*

So I usually play one or two rounds before I get fed up and sign out so two of us can play Team Slayer and not develop a deep hatred for this game.

I say again:  What the fuck, Bungie?  I don’t understand.   The name of the game is Team Slayer.  So we find a four player local team and we can no longer play it?  Stupid.  Then, when it’s time to find a new thing similar to Team Slayer because we like the game mechanic, you make it to where there is no Armor Lock?  Fuck you guys.  That’s just not right.  Thanks for making an awesome two player game suck as a three to four player game.

At least the players don’t piss me off…

Say it and you'll understand.

So you’re playing Team Slayer with TWO OR LESS LOCAL PLAYERS on sword base and you’re heading up the stairs, minding your own business when BAM!  Shotgun in the face.  “Whatever,” you say, ”That’s how it goes.”  As you lay there waiting to respawn you think to yourself, “That was a good shot.  That guy got me, but it was a deserved kill so I’m not… Aww what the fuck?  Really?  You teabagged me?


Now I’m going to have to spend the rest of this game following you around and killing you to the exclusion of all else, with the noted exception of every one of your buddies that gets in my way.

For those of you who don’t know what teabagging is, allow me to explain.  Teabagging is when you dip your balls into someone’s mouth.  It’s not cool.  Since one of the options in Halo is to crouch, this allows players to pantomime dipping their balls in your face after a kill.  Yeah, I don’t get it either.

What is the point of this?  How does it help in any way?  The thing that really bothers me is that our team usually wins in these circumstances.  So you teabag me when you kill me because it makes you feel better about your score?  You make me sicker than watching fake soccer dives.

O.k. last thing:  Betrayals.  For those of you who don’t know Halo, a betrayal is when you accidentally kill someone on your own team.  This is almost always an accident.  Sometimes, two friends end up on opposite teams.  One of them proceeds to try to kill their own teammates.  Now the thing is, Bungie knows about this and so has instituted a policy that allows you to boot a player from the game if they kill you more than once.  This usually cuts down on this sort of behavior, but it still happens.  The other thing that happens once in a while is that more than half of the other team quits leaving only one or two unskilled players.  When this happens we have been known to begin killing each other for fun.

So one of these scenarios happens and one of your own teammates tries to kill you.  Tries.  I don’t know if you’ve tried doing this before, but it’s sort of difficult to kill your own team.  You’re not supposed to do it and the game knows it.  They have purposely made it more difficult to kill your own teammates.  It’s difficult, but not impossible.  Some of us are better at it than others.  So your teammate tries to kill you and instead of retaliating you take the gentlemanly way out and kill him mercilessly.  Or her.  Let’s not be gender specific here.

Mmm... Tastes like tea!

Anyway, when you kill them, they get mad and try to kill you again.  It once again becomes your responsibility to end them at which point Bungie asks them if they want to boot you.  Here’s what I don’t get:   They almost always boot you.  What?  Seriously?  Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it yourself.  You guys are penises; big fat penises …and/or vaginas.


How about next time don’t try to kill me if you can’t handle getting killed back.

I’ve written an open letter to Bungie explaining how we feel about all of this max player thing, I’m tacking it on at the end here:

Bad decision makers at Bungie,

If you’re reading this in-between the counting of your fat stacks of cash, please make one of two simple changes:

  1.  Allow four local players in Team Slayer


  1. Let Squad Slayer have Armor Lock.

Doing either of these two simple things will make a lot of people a lot happier.  What will make people most happy though is if you put the max local player count back to four.  We want four local players in Team Slayer.  If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.  Now go get it done.

Barely fucking cordially,

The players who have more than one friend.

Abba-zaba, you my only friend.

Obviously not written by Dave Chappelle.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s