Useless Clothing.

You know what piece of clothing I hate to wear?  The tie.  If there was ever a more worthless piece of clothing ever, I have yet to see it.

I feel your pain, sweater-wearing dog

I have a job interview coming up and you know what I’m not looking forward to:  Putting that stupid thing around my neck so I can fit in with everyone else’s idea of “dressed up.”

So you have a job interview or a funeral or a wedding or maybe even a job where you are required to wear a tie.  That means that before you leave your house (or car if you’re like me) you have to tie this noose-bib around your neck and pretend it makes you look more sophisticated.

I hate meetings but at least I look sophisticated.

Who started this whole tie fad anyway?  I’d love to choke them to death with whatever paisley covered piece of crap is hanging around their neck.  Where’s my time machine when I need it?

Let’s think for a moment about the tie.  It hangs down the front of you sort of like a leech would if it attached itself at your neck.  It completely hides all of your cool-as-hell shirt buttons.  It usually reaches down to your belt buckle.

My Tuesday tie.

If you don’t use a tie tack and it’s even slightly windy, that shit blows all over the place anyway.  You know what is almost worse than the tie?  The tie tack.  That bitch steals part of a shirt hole from one of your buttons.  What the fuck?

It's a tie tack hole now, bitch!

So sometimes at weddings and funerals and jobs, I choose not to wear a tie.  On these occasions I am inevitably assailed with myriad of stares from people and the occasional question: “Do you not have any ties you could have worn?”

Yes.  I have ties, because the man forces me to wear them against my will.  Fuck those people.  I usually tell people that wearing ties is against my religion because it is basically wearing your own noose.  The All-father hung himself from Yggdrasil for 9 days.  It could have been accidental but I’m not sure if they wore ties back then.  You’re walking by the world tree, a gust of wind goes by, you aren’t wearing a tie tack because you like your buttons to not feel like they’re responsible for quartering enemy soldiers, you pass a low branch, accidentally stab yourself with your own spear and fuck:  9 days until you can work your way down.  You don’t have the heart to tell them the runes you saw were just the designs on your stupid, worthless tie.

Now where did I leave that spear?

So you’re wearing this noose-bib and lunch time rolls around.  You’d think, “Finally, the one thing this piece of shit –err clothing could be useful for…”  Wrong.  You’re supposed to over-the-shoulder with it until you’re done so you don’t spill any food on it.  It’s a fucking bib.  It should be used like a bib and then taken off if nothing else.

Where's the buffet? My bib's in place.

Basically what I’m saying is that tie functionality is non-existent.  What is it good for?  Seriously, comment below and tell me what function it serves.  I bet there isn’t one unless you make some shit up like “wiping your ass.”  It’s the ass-wiping-noose-bib!  Somebody market that shit.

I got that shit covered. I guarantee it!

If you like this accessory or think it makes you look more professional, congratulations!   You’ve been successfully brain washed.  Now actually think about it and say it with me:  “Fuck ties.”  We need to stop this thinking that tie equals formal dress.  Men, try to see these things for what they really are:  Corporate leashes.

I'm wearing two leashes. Promote me!

If we all stopped wearing ties the world would be a better place.

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8 responses to “Useless Clothing.

  1. Neck ties actually started in the Middle East during the Thirty Years’ War in the early 1600’s. But they were very small unlike today. then the Parisians popularized them and then they became popular all over Europe. In England, both man and women wore them, but they were worn tucked in the shirt slightly or wrapped around the neck. They weren’t a hit in the United States until the 1920’s after World War One. There is more to it than that, but that’s a brief run down of ties and you.

  2. Well fuck everyone who made it commonplace.

  3. Miranda Papierowicz

    I agree with you on the tie thing. I think the only use for them is to assassinate someone with their own personal garrot that they so conveniently tied around their own neck for your use.

  4. Well you could totally use the neck tie for a impromptu sweat band. Or a drunken head accessory.

  5. Pingback: Father’s Day | Sometimes I Get Angry

  6. You know whats completely, ridiculously irresponsible? A lot of clinics require, REQUIRE, the doctors to wear ties. So here you have a doctor, taking 15 mins at best to see each patient, washing hands and wearing a germ soaked tie. Hope you like antibiotic resistant Staphylococcus; Ive had the normal kind and it just give me 25 ulcers which became 25 scars before fizzling out.

    I don’t go to doctors much anymore. Never study microbiology if you wish to remain sane, I implore you. “Trillions” is a bad amount of things especially when they are things living in other things.

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