You know what piece of clothing I hate to wear? The tie. If there was ever a more worthless piece of clothing ever, I have yet to see it.
I have a job interview coming up and you know what I’m not looking forward to: Putting that stupid thing around my neck so I can fit in with everyone else’s idea of “dressed up.”
So you have a job interview or a funeral or a wedding or maybe even a job where you are required to wear a tie. That means that before you leave your house (or car if you’re like me) you have to tie this noose-bib around your neck and pretend it makes you look more sophisticated.
Who started this whole tie fad anyway? I’d love to choke them to death with whatever paisley covered piece of crap is hanging around their neck. Where’s my time machine when I need it?
Let’s think for a moment about the tie. It hangs down the front of you sort of like a leech would if it attached itself at your neck. It completely hides all of your cool-as-hell shirt buttons. It usually reaches down to your belt buckle.
If you don’t use a tie tack and it’s even slightly windy, that shit blows all over the place anyway. You know what is almost worse than the tie? The tie tack. That bitch steals part of a shirt hole from one of your buttons. What the fuck?
So sometimes at weddings and funerals and jobs, I choose not to wear a tie. On these occasions I am inevitably assailed with myriad of stares from people and the occasional question: “Do you not have any ties you could have worn?”
Yes. I have ties, because the man forces me to wear them against my will. Fuck those people. I usually tell people that wearing ties is against my religion because it is basically wearing your own noose. The All-father hung himself from Yggdrasil for 9 days. It could have been accidental but I’m not sure if they wore ties back then. You’re walking by the world tree, a gust of wind goes by, you aren’t wearing a tie tack because you like your buttons to not feel like they’re responsible for quartering enemy soldiers, you pass a low branch, accidentally stab yourself with your own spear and fuck: 9 days until you can work your way down. You don’t have the heart to tell them the runes you saw were just the designs on your stupid, worthless tie.
So you’re wearing this noose-bib and lunch time rolls around. You’d think, “Finally, the one thing this piece of shit –err clothing could be useful for…” Wrong. You’re supposed to over-the-shoulder with it until you’re done so you don’t spill any food on it. It’s a fucking bib. It should be used like a bib and then taken off if nothing else.
Basically what I’m saying is that tie functionality is non-existent. What is it good for? Seriously, comment below and tell me what function it serves. I bet there isn’t one unless you make some shit up like “wiping your ass.” It’s the ass-wiping-noose-bib! Somebody market that shit.
If you like this accessory or think it makes you look more professional, congratulations! You’ve been successfully brain washed. Now actually think about it and say it with me: “Fuck ties.” We need to stop this thinking that tie equals formal dress. Men, try to see these things for what they really are: Corporate leashes.
If we all stopped wearing ties the world would be a better place.