Fresh coffee? Coffee never did anything for me. Fuck that. I sat in the passenger seat of the car in the drive through at Starbucks waiting for her to finish her order. Some green tea bullshit. She never even got coffee here. Wasn’t that the big deal with this place? Wait, no water green tea?
How the fuck do you make tea without water? I don’t believe that’s real. Neither do the people working there, they just nod and say yes to appease her because they’re used to appeasing all of the hipster annoying upper-middle class mothers that come in and need everything just right. Fuck those bitches too.
They’re why it takes 30 minutes to get through a Starbucks line. I’m sorry, the foam in my cup is more than 6 millimeters high, I asked for 5 millimeter high foam. Don’t you understand English? Make it again. If I had a knife and wasn’t worried about prison I’d go inside and cut every snobby bitch in there.
Course, then I’d probably have to make the order myself.
“Do you want anything?”
Do I want anything? Fuck yes I am hungry, having left the house again without eating. Let me check out the menu to see if there is anything on it that is palatable. Drinks? Do they have my normal source of caffeine, Coca-cola? No. No soda at all? Fucking hippie barista bastards. Hmm… I guess ice water wouldn’t be bad. Food? Is there anything on here that isn’t hard as a rock? Hmm some cheese Danish crap that probably tastes about as appetizing as it looks: terrible. What else? Hmm, perhaps a crumby cake that I’ll breathe in as I take my first bite that will induce massive amounts of hacking and coughing. And they say smoking is bad for you. Aspiration, an interesting second meaning.
No. I suppose a bagel will have to do, thanks.
Don’t immediately think that I am unappreciative of the offer to buy me food. Indeed, many times I would have spent the day starving if it were not for her. I cannot and do not thank her enough for everything she does for me. My cankerous mood is instead brought to you by this amazing epicenter of supposed culinary goodness to which seemingly none of today’s society can resist; the call of the siren’s eye.
I thanked her for the food and the thanks are genuine. She always takes care of those around her and usually gets very little praise for it, though I suspect secretly she is Elaine from Ally McBeal in personality alone if nothing else. I suppose I should not be surprised that Elaine is my favorite character.
The ice water looks inviting, even though those bitches don’t put any lemon in it, even when you ask. Don’t tell me you don’t have lemon bitches, you fuckers make tea. I’ve done this before, I don’t know why I keep trying, hoping to get better results. I stir the ice around a bit more, willing it to drop the temperature of the water before that first sip. You’re not thirstiest when you don’t have anything to drink, you’re thirstiest when there is liquid around but you know it’s going to be foul. The first sip is always a surprise. Mmm, it’s not that bad today they must have cleaned their… what the fuck is this taste, sewage? Fuck. For a place that prides itself on its ability to make delicious drinks, you’d think their water wouldn’t taste like it came out of a toilet bowl.
I swallow because I have to; she wouldn’t appreciate foul sewage water all over her car. I grimace as I swallow. Yay, water.
I have nothing bad to say about their bagels, but honestly, how can you screw up a bagel short of charring it beyond recognition? Honestly, have any of you ever had a bagel that didn’t taste good? If you did, please send me a letter telling me how you could have possibly fucked up a bagel. You’re a fucking liar and I don’t believe you.