Before I take a shower…

Before I take a shower, I always clean the drain out.  There is usually a large collection of hair because my wife, daughter and most of our friends have long hair.  Now, by clean the drain out I mean of course that I pull the hair out of the drain and stick it on the side of the tub.  My wife asks me why I don’t throw it in the trash instead of leaving it there.  Because it’s not my fucking responsibility, that’s why.

This is how wookies are born...

Let me tell you a story.

Today, like many other days, I shaved my head.  I like a clean close shave.  Not on my face mind you.  I firmly believe that if you can grow a beard, you should.  Facial hair is a must(ache)!   Get it?  Anyway, I always sweep up the mess afterwards and then hop in the shower.

On these days, my normally long showers take much much longer, as you might expect.  I’m covered in loose hair, of course I’ll be longer.  Plus hair inevitably gets on the walls and the shower curtain and you know there is only one way to get it down.  You take handfuls of water and throw them at the clinging hairs until they rinse off of the wall.  They usually do this about an inch at a time but that’s another story.

We secretly teach them how while you sleep.

Today, unlike many other days, and after the urging of my wife, I shaved my balls.  Now, I did not approach this task lightly.  I was full of apprehension but I decided I wanted to try it so I did.  I can tell you my exact thoughts in the order they happened throughout this ordeal:

1.  Oh god, don’t slip!

You don't want this to happen down there.

This was the most important thought and it repeated throughout the process.

2.  Would this be easier if I were hard?

Ben Grimm thinks so.

I’m going to say probably.  I’ll have to give that a go if I do this again.

3.  So far so good… man this makes my bush seem huge, need to trim that now.

What? You don't use a lightsabre on yours?

You obviously can’t trim with a regular razor as easily as you can with an electric razor.  Sure I could shave my bush bald as well, but I’m thinking that wouldn’t look as good.  Electric razor it is.

4.  I’m already in the shower, how do I trim the bush without electrocuting myself with the electric razor?

The electric razor was sitting on the counter by the sink.  I had just finished using it to cut my hair with.  In order to get to it, I did what I do anytime I need something from the counter and I’m in the shower (or if I need to unlock the door):  I leaned over without touching the floor, grabbed the toilet (or door handle) with one hand, grabbed the razor with the other and then pushed off and willed myself upright.  I never slip when I do this because I’m the fucking man!

It's not a cape it's a shower curtain.

I proceeded to trim up the bush, making sure to keep the razor out of the water.  I then put the electric razor on the back of the toilet because even though I’m the man, the man doesn’t like pressing his luck when things are already going so well.

5.  Whew, I didn’t get electrocuted.

But we keep trying...

6.  Ok back to the balls…

At this point I’ve only been concentrating on the left ball because, well, I’m left handed and it’s just easier that way.  As I try to continue on to the right ball I realize there is a problem.

7.   Oh, crap…  I’m going to have to switch hands.

Be afraid. I am.

Your penis will now do it’s best to get in the way of you completing the rest of this project safely with the same hand.

8.  I don’t switch hands while shaving my face, what cruel twist of fate makes me have to switch on a more delicate place?

Why?

Seriously though, this is bullshit.

9.  Ok here we go

I don’t know if you’ve ever done this before, but the main concept is the same as shaving your face, “Keep it taut.”  Only when you’re shaving your balls it’s more like, “Keep it taut, for the love of god!”

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

10.  Apparently I am way better at keeping it taut with my right hand.  Fuck

That’s what she said?

11.  Would this be easier if I were hard?

I thought this a few times.  This is the other spot I remember clearly thinking it.

12.  Alright, I’ve got the hang of this!

Just a few more careful passes with the razor aaaaand…

13.  Done!

Washy-wash, rinsy-rinse…

Hog. Tee hee.

14.  Check those hairless bad boys out.

They look exactly like this.

For those of you who haven’t done this before, I highly suggest baby powder after you get out of the shower and dry off.

So.  I shaved my head, I shaved my balls, I trimmed myself up and I had a LONG fucking shower.  Seriously, I know it’s not a large area to shave, but because of the delicate nature of the area and my lack of familiarity with shaving said area, this took me easily a half hour.

I wash off, rinse off and get out of the shower.  Once I’m dry and checking my newly bald (in more ways than one) self out I decide on the baby powder after all.  This is a good choice.  A light coating will do and will stop the weird feelings and let you focus on the rest of the feelings.

It’s strange.  They’re not used to being bald and the new sensations have me worried.  At least school’s out and it’s not like I’ll be sitting there with a boner and the teacher wants me to come up to the board and write something.  You remember that?  All it took was a gentle breeze to waft through the classroom and BAM!  Rock hard.  Fuck you random boners.  You come when I call you dammit! (Pun intended)

Maybe if I sit very still it will go away...

Ok so pointers for those of you who are going to try this out:

Keep re-applying shaving cream.  This is the last place you want razor burn.

Go slowly.

Keep it taut.

For best appearances, trim your bush.

Light coating of baby powder.

Be careful.

So I shaved my balls.  It was an interesting time and my neck hurts from trying to keep a watchful eye on my prized possessions.  Before I left the bathroom can you guess what I did?

I cleaned the fucking drain out and threw the hair in the trash.  Why?  Because it was my fucking responsibility.

There were two lessons here.  Did you learn them?

5 responses to “Before I take a shower…

  1. Sheila Barrett

    When I said ‘Odin’s Hairy B….’, I was sort of saying Odin has hairy balls. Don’t figure he ever shaved them. To be God-like you shouldn’t either. My opinion, only.

  2. I’ve never contemplated the all-father’s sack but I suppose you’re correct. That’s how I feel about faces as well.

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