On Hunting and how you’re wrong to be upset.

I’ve always enjoyed hunting.  I love the feeling of it all.  The heightened reflexes, the thrill of the chase, zeroing in on prey, the absolute certainty that I would be returning home with the spoils, and taking the shot.

fox_hunting

 

Not to toot my own horn, (toot toot), but I’m good at it.  Have been since about 17.  toot my own horn

 

That being said, as I’ve gotten older, things have changed slightly.  I still feel that thrill, I still enjoy the hunt,  but at that moment when I KNOW I can and will take the shot and WILL end up taking my target,  I lose interest.

Idon'tcareanymore

 

I don’t completely lose interest mind you, but I no longer have the urge to hunt that particular beast.  They get relegated to a different section of my mind.  The thrill is now in the chase, it’s not longer in the capture.  (Plus taking the shot hurts people.)

This happens frequently, with almost every prey animal I come in contact with, though sometimes the hunt takes longer.

artworks-000034409092-4umnk0-original

Humans are exhaustion hunters by design.  We just keep coming after whatever we’re hunting until they give up and die.  We’ll follow for DAYS, until they’re too tired to move and collapse.  Persistence Hunting.  Check it out.

 

So this is all a metaphor.

meteoriteI said METAPHOR!

 

That being said, I am full of myself sometimes, but this is also not wildly inaccurate.

Sometimes, I am hunting.  Some, I’ve hunted for years.  But once I know I have the killshot loaded and the target in my sights, the death is a change in placeholder in my mind, and I NO LONGER PULL THE TRIGGER.

Some people don’t understand that, so I thought I’d explain.

user-syntax

 

As for me,  Hunting is (mostly) an unconscious exercise, a way my body and mind and spirit respond to the world around me to help me make sense of people in a way I can understand.  (…I have these lists.)  Usually, once I have hunted I can then form a better friendship with them.  For some, the thrill of the hunt goes both ways and that thrill is what a great friendship has been built upon over the days/months/years.

friends-fingers

 

As to why you’re wrong to be upset:  It’s because I’ve already relegated the prey you’re worried about to another section of the card catalog system in my mind.  Months ago.  …and frankly, I’m surprised you didn’t notice or understand why.  Maybe after reading this, you’ll understand better.  I know I could’ve taken the shot, so it no longer interests me.

man-on-street1

 

I am a hunter.  Its nothing to be ashamed of.  It is an integral part of who I am.  The thrill I get is like butterflies in your stomach (or whatever the manlier version of that is.  Butterflies with BEARDS!!).

This is the best google could do.

This is the best google could do.

 

I would miss it were it ever to be gone.  I would also be at a loss of how to classify certain people in my mind.  So I plan to keep on hunting, minus the kill shot, because… lets be honest, bullets hurt people.  And the blow-back is hell.

1104_5c35Insert witty “this post blew your mind” comment here.

Colorado Legalized Recreational Marijuana and some parents don’t watch their kids

Colorado congratulations!  You’re the first state to legalize a plant with more benefits than downsides.  The major downsides of marijuana being its illegality and  an empty fridge.

Welcome-to-Colorado-Marijuana-Green-Rush-750x471

Now, before I embark on this article let me just say that I have never smoked marijuana.  I’m not a fan of the way the smoke smells.  It makes my stomach hurt.  But, I am all about the legalization of this drug.  It opens up government revenue streams, allows people to legally get a natural medicine that helps a myriad of terrible conditions (including cancer), and will stop a lot of needless future incarcerations on drug charges.

That being said, there are some people who are idiots.  Let me direct your attention to the following article HERE.  We’ll dissect this thing together.  In case you don’t follow, I’m the writing in red:

LONGMONT, Colo. (CBS4)- Police in Longmont are trying to figure out how a toddler got her hands on marijuana that made her sick.

Two year old Evelyn tested positive for pot and ended up in the hospital but her mother doesn’t know how the child came into contact with the now-legal drug.

Ended up in the hospital?  Really?  You mean like, you took her to the hospital for a blood test and then brought her home?

Evelyn’s mother, Aida Hernandez, believes the child ate part of a cookie she found on the ground in the grass outside of their apartment.

“It was brown, like a chocolate chip cookie,” said Hernandez.

 Hi!  I let my child eat stuff off of the ground and then I’m surprised when my child gets ill.  Also,  I think chocolate chip cookies are brown.

Hernandez said she took it away from her but about a half hour later noticed something was wrong.

Hi again!  I took something away from my daughter and between then and when I thought it might have POISONED her I “lost” the thing I took away so the police couldn’t find it and the doctor’s couldn’t test it for anything.  Sounds stupid and suspicious.

“She was asleep, she was opening and closing her eyes and she couldn’t walk really well. She was weak,” said Hernandez.

Soooooooo… she was high?  She was asleep and couldn’t walk very well?  I can’t walk while I’m sleeping either.  Also, when I first wake up I’m like a shambling corpse.  Sounds to me like she was asleep and/or high.

zombiewalkingdeadIs breakfast ready?  I just woke up and I might be high.

Hernandez said they immediately went to the hospital where doctors said the toddler tested positive for THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.

Shit!  The kid got into the weed stash.  Get rid of it and make up a story.  Try to make it believable though.  Take her to the hospital for no reason, quick!

3921_4e9cIt’s legal now so we’re only doing this to prove we’re not bad parents.

“They do a blood test and that’s when they told me. That was a surprise,” said Hernandez.

Police in Longmont are investigating but said they do believe the mother. Officers searched the home for any signs of marijuana use and found nothing.

We believe her.  We’re just searching her house for shits and giggles. 

police-search-under-mattress“Open up!  This is the poli…err… bed bug inspectors!  We check EVERYWHERE!

Hernandez also said she has agreed to take a blood test.

“It’s everywhere now that it’s legal they have it everywhere,” said Hernandez.

And I’m probably part of a group that wants to stop the legalization process and who loves run on sentences.

Her oldest daughter, Amira, is happy to have her little sister back at home. She said what happened is random and worries it could happen to anyone.

Anyone that lets their kids wander around and put anything into their mouths and then doesn’t keep track of whatever it was.

girl-smoking-weed-dtespeople“I’m like, really glad my sister’s ok.  Like, I have no idea where she got the pot.”

“All of the parents watch out for their children. I don’t want other children getting what she got,” said Amira.

…High.  She got high.  The worst part of it for the baby was probably the needle from getting her blood drawn and the overdramatic antics of her mother.  “Poisoned!  Poisoned by that marijuana cookie I mysteriously vanished in 30 minutes of time.  I hope you’re happy Obama!  This is somehow all your fault!”

Sad-Obama1

The group Smart Colorado believes edible marijuana products don’t have enough regulations and think more of them will end up in the hands of children.

See to me, this whole scenario sounds like it was concocted to get more regulations onto these marijuana products.  Maybe it’s just me, but it seems highly suspicious.

FunnyPart-com-target_shooting_regulations

Police did not find the cookie that Evelyn apparently ate.

Even though the mother said she “took it away from her.” 

Surprise.  Surprise.

Ok so after that short stint of being a red head I’m back to black.  Now.  This is ridiculous fear mongering at it’s worst if you ask me.  Now go check out the other kid who got a hold of pot.

Marijuana saved her life.  Oh shit!  Someone is benefiting from marijuana use.  Not surprisingly.

Anywho, I don’t have anything else to say.  This mother is stupid.  I have kids and I understand that they get into stuff from time to time when you’re not looking.  If not for her lack of attention, she’s stupid for “losing track” of what she thought poisoned her child.  To me the whole situation is highly suspect.

I hope this legalization process continues throughout the rest of the united states.  I hope no amount of negative press thrown into the faces of the country will stop it.  Because there is no reason for it to be illegal.  People don’t get stupid because of using drugs.  Some people are stupid and stupid people on drugs do stupid things.  And usually are the ones getting the press for it.

drunk-stupidYou’re welcome.

Good luck America.  You’re going to need it.

Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines”

If you haven’t heard of this song or listened to it by now, you probably don’t have the internet and so are also probably not reading this.  So you matter not at all in the great scheme of this post.  If by some chance you do have the internet and haven’t heard or heard of the song, go listen to it:

For those of you who just listened to it and everyone else who already knew,  I’m sure some of you thought it was catchy, some of you didn’t care much for it, and some of you are OUTRAGED BY THE RAPE CULTURE THIS SONG PERPETUATES!!!!!                …wait what?

I’ve read more than a few blogs, the latest one HERE talking about how rape-y this song is.  I’ve also read over the lyrics HERE and then I went and read what Robin had to say about it HERE.  It’s a song about his wife.  Now you’ll all be subjected to what I think about it HERE.

Should we go through this song line for line or paragraph for paragraph?  Lets go paragraph for paragraph because that line for line shit reminds me of militant  religious people trying to justify treating people badly and misinterpreting their holy books.   …wait.  Misinterpreting something by going sentence by sentence instead of taking the whole into account?  Freaking Bible touting hipsters, misinterpreting things before they were cool.

“Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey”

Not entirely sure, but this seems to be Pharrell telling us he hates women.  No wait.  He just wants everyone to dance.  Right.  Pretty self explanatory.  Moving right along.

“If you can’t hear what I’m trying to say
If you can’t read from the same page
Maybe I’m going deaf,
Maybe I’m going blind
Maybe I’m out of my mind
[Pharrell:] Everybody get up”

Robin is pontificating on the idea that if you don’t understand the message he’s conveying, maybe he’s the one going crazy, not you.  A very stand up approach to the whole thing.

Pharrell meanwhile is still trying to objectify women.   No wait.  He still wants you to dance.  I keep getting those mixed up.  Next!

“OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you’re an animal, baby, it’s in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don’t need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker”

Robin sees a woman trying to be broken (domesticated) by a man.  He offers to help and reminds her that the man who is mistreating her is not the boss of her and she is allowed the freedom to do what she wants.   Robin is such a bastard.  Oh wait.  That’s a good thing.

“And that’s why I’m gon’ take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You’re a good girl
Can’t let it get past me
You’re far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you’re a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me
[Pharrell:] Everybody get up”

He talks about liberating (taking) her from the guy that’s mistreating her.  He knows she wants him to.  (They’ve probably talked about it.)  Robin said he wrote this song for his wife whom he calls his “good girl.”  She’s far from being someone’s toy (not plastic) and he hates that anyone talks about or treats her that way (“putting her on blast” or “getting blasted”).  Speaking from personal experience, I know that when my wife grabs me, she wants to get nasty.  He’s all about it.  “Go ahead, get at me.”  Then Pharrell has to ruin the mood again.  Oh wait,  it’s a dance song and he’s just trying to get people to dance again.

“What do they make dreams for
When you got them jeans on
What do we need steam for
You the hottest bitch in this place
I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, hey
You wanna hug me
Hey, hey, hey
What rhymes with hug me?
Hey, hey, hey”

Well this is a pretty self explanatory part where he tells his wife how hot he thinks she is and suggests they probably should go do the horizontal mambo.  I suggest that to my wife all the time in way lewder and more descriptive terms.

This next bit is a big chunk so I’m going to take it in stages.  Also he’s not the one singing this bit so I’m not entirely sure if he wrote this part, but it goes along with the rest of the song so I’m going to assume he did.

“One thing I ask of you
Let me be the one you back that ass to
Go, from Malibu, to Paris, boo
Yeah, I had a bitch, but she ain’t bad as you
So hit me up when you pass through
I’ll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two”

Robin is telling her he wants to be her only one.  He had a woman before who wasn’t as great a match for him as she is.  Since she’s a model and he’s a music star, they don’t see each other much.  When they do pass through the same place or get to spend time at home together, he’s going to “tear her ass in two.”  A term used to describe sex.  Personally I say I’m going to “break her in half.”  But that’s my personal phrase used to describe sex so DON’T STEAL IT!

“Swag on, even when you dress casual
I mean it’s almost unbearable
In a hundred years not dare, would I
Pull a Pharside let you pass me by”

Again he’s reaffirming his idea that she is super hot and one of a kind.

“Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you
He don’t smack that ass and pull your hair like that
So I just watch and wait for you to salute
But you didn’t pick
Not many women can refuse this pimpin’
I’m a nice guy, but don’t get it if you get with me

Shake the vibe, get down, get up
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don’t like work?”

Let me be blunt here:  Some women dig kinkier things than straight missionary position sex.  Some of them don’t consider “vanilla” sex to be great sex.  His wife is obviously one of the women who like the more interesting variety of sexual encounter.  They guy she was with before didn’t understand that.  Probably one of the ways he tried “domesticating” her.  He tells her he’s a nice guy but that doesn’t mean he isn’t also a freak in the bed like her.

“Baby can you breathe? I got this from Jamaica
It always works for me, Dakota to Decatur, uh huh
No more pretending
Hey, hey, hey
Cause now you winning
Hey, hey, hey
Here’s our beginning”

Well I’m going out on a limb here and making an assumption that what they’re breathing from Jamaica is probably weed.  Either that or he bought something in Jamaica that he’s asphyxiating her with.  (Which she might like.  I know some women who also dig that.)  He tells her she doesn’t have to pretend to like the boring sex she used to have with the other guy because now shes with him and they can have great sex.  Now you’re winning is obviously a reference to Dave Chappelle’s “Speed Fucker” standup bit.  Now she gets the orgasms.

   Skip to 1:22 in the video to get to the point.  Or watch the whole thing if you want to laugh.

And that’s the whole song.  Except…

“Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey”

Goddammit Pharrell!  Stop mistreating women!  Oh wait.

So in closing,  let me just say that rape is a tragedy.  Something that no one, male or female should ever go through.  If it has happened to you or anyone you know, and chances are unfortunately high that it has, I am sorry you had to go through that.

This song, however crude, is not the worst thing out there by far.  As I see it, when taken in context with what it was actually about.  It’s a poignant love song to Robin’s wife.  If you want to take issue with a song, Try Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones.  That has soooooo many issues, rape being one of the many.

Different interpretation has been the cause of countless wars and social misunderstandings throughout the centuries.  The internet has made it a lot easier to perpetuate these misunderstandings.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but isn’t necessarily a good thing either.  And really, that’s just my interpretation of the song (and Robin’s coincidentally).

My Relationship and Me.

***Before you read this understand that the topic wanders a bit.  It started as an article on relationships and ended as an article on me, my relationship and my sexuality.  It’s all related.  That being said, hang on for the ride.

***

I’ve just had a facebook debate with a friend and it made me want to broach a topic that is maybe one of the most difficult topics I could try to discuss.  I say difficult because of the sheer magnitude of diverse options to discuss and not because of any difficulty in explanation.  Here goes:

Relationships.

Now, let’s wade through the bits I don’t want to focus on today so that we can get to what I’m actually talking about.

Merriam-Webster.com defines Relationships as:

“the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other.”

“a romantic or sexual friendship between two people”

“the way in which two or more people or things are connected”

Today, we’re specifically focusing on the middle definition.  But wait.  Before we can focus on it, I’m going to need to modify it because it doesn’t reflect an accurate portrayal of all possible relationships.  I suggest the following definition for relationships instead:

“A romantic and/or sexual friendship between two or more people.”

There.  That more accurately portrays the word and allows for a better understanding of the idea of the word outside of a puritanical Christian ideology.

Do we need to dissect it before we move on?  Probably.   …ok let’s do this.

A relationship can be romantic, sexual or romantic and sexual.  Romance and sex are not always mutually exclusive, but neither do they always walk hand in hand.

A romantic, sexual or romantic and sexual relationship can be between multiple people.  Relationships can be as varied as you can imagine:  Monogamy being a staple of most cultures nowadays as it is built into a lot of religious beliefs …if you don’t read the holy books too closely.  Polyamory, nevertheless, is becoming more and more prominent as the number of dreaded “non-standard” relationships continues to rise.

If you’re not familiar with Polyamory, here is what Merriam-Webster has to say on the subject:

Polyamory:  “the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.”

Get it? …Wait.  What?  Ok.  Seriously, Merriam-Webster we need to work on your definitions.  This definition, while technically sort of accurate, is somewhat difficult to interpret.  Polyamory could be having more than one open romantic relationship. But it could also be having more than one person involved in a single “relationship.” Or it could be having more than one person involved in more than one open romantic relationship, etc.  It goes on.  So, while the Merriam-Webster definition is concise, it is hardly all inclusive.

Phew.  I’ve spent more time on defining definitions than on my topic.  Now that we understand that there are many different forms of relationships, I’d like to tell you a bit about mine.

So really, the real topic is: “My relationship and me.”

I have been with my wife on and off for almost 11 years now.  Eleven.  Wow.  Sometimes I don’t believe it’s been that long and sometimes it feels longer.  Our relationship has gone through some major evolution due to hardships, mistakes, broken trust, anger, loss, misunderstandings, miscommunication, more mistakes, love, children, understanding, regaining trust, good communication, patience and genuine happiness.

Our current relationship is monogamous but we have relatively free reign when it comes to making out and/or fooling around with others with the exception of sex, oral or otherwise, unless agreed upon beforehand (or in the spur of the moment) with all parties consenting.

This has led to some interesting conversations with our friends and families (with more conservative views on traditional relationships) trying to understand us and “why we allow each other to cheat.”  It has also led to a better understanding of our friends’ tonsils, extremities, boundaries, etc.  This is fun.

We have boundaries which are clearly defined and we do one extremely important thing that keeps our marriage going strong:  We communicate.  We talk all of the time.  My wife is my best friend and I tell her almost everything; even if it makes her upset or mad at me.  We’ll spend some time working through it and we’ll come out of it stronger than ever.

–Trust me.  This is not as easy as it sounds.

Now, if we were to cross these set boundaries we would be cheating.  Anything within our boundaries is just us having fun.  I’m not entirely sure why this is such a difficult concept to understand, but it keeps happening.

Do we have a Polyamorous relationship?  Well, if you consider the nonsexual but extremely emotional wife-type-relationship we have with our roommate I’d say yes.  My wife would probably say yes.  But most would say no.  Our roommate would probably say no (even if she really thought yes).

Are we swingers?  Many people have tried to classify us as such.  But if you ask me or my wife, we’d say no.  We don’t go around and “have sex with random people” which is what my understanding of “swinging” is.  I’d go check Merriam-Webster.com, but so far they have proven inadequate so I’m just going to trust my brain on this one.

I tend to like and dislike classifications pretty equally.  I like the idea of being able to explain an idea pretty quickly with an understandable generic concept, but I also hate that it sometimes shoves people into boxes they may not belong in, myself included.  I would classify my wife as bisexual.  I recently made up a new word for my own sexuality because “Straight” didn’t fit exactly right and neither did “Lesbian.”  Here it is along with its definition:

Lesmian (pronounced: Les – me – an):  A male who is primarily attracted to lesbian and bisexual women.

Now originally this definition did not include the words “and bisexual” but I’ve had multiple people who identify as lesbian tell me (with a slight look of disgust) that if a woman that identifies as a lesbian would “mess around” with me (a guy), they aren’t really a lesbian.  Funnily enough, some of these women have gone on to “mess around” with me anyway, but that is beside the point.

Again, there goes that classification issue.  Why build boxes around us at all?  Let’s just call ourselves people and get on with it.  I like the idea, but explanations beg for easily reference-able words.

I just made up a joke to help with understanding my marriage:

A bisexual and a lesmian walk into a bar.  No one is safe.

It might not be that funny, but damn is it accurate.

I was recently called a cis-man by one of my good friends (who is currently in college and I’m terribly proud of her) after making a sarcastic remark about beards and how great they are.  What was meant to be funny somehow made her angry and during my facebook reaming she gave me a great reason to visit Wikipedia.  I’d never heard of the idea of a cisgender before.  The idea being that my gender at birth lines up with my self-perception of my gender.  Or in layman’s terms:  I was born a male and I identify as a male.  This is absolutely true.  I love being a man.  I love having a penis.  I love having a beard.  It makes sense to me.

Here is where I began to think into a weird spiral:  She is right.  I am indeed a cis-man, however, does my gender identity mesh with my sexuality?  Here be troubled waters methinks.

To me, it would be way easier and better accepted by all parties, if I were a woman who was attracted to lesbians.  A lot of accidental hurt feelings (my own and others) would have been avoided if I were born a woman.  But I can’t help but feel that being a male is right for me.  So there is a difficult dichotomy here.

When trying to explain my sexuality I tend to get a lot of flak from all sides, Lesbians, Straight men and women…

…actually my gay male friends don’t really give me much flak so: thanks boys!

I’ve only known one transgendered person but he was so angry at the world for not being born a man that I didn’t take much of what he said seriously.

I’m not one to get all emotionally scarred and depressed but I do get upset at the lack of understanding.  In some ways I feel less accepted than those in the LGBT community, because not only do I get looks of displeasure from the so called “normal people” but most of the disapproval comes from the community you’d imagine I could actually connect with.

So here is my hardship.  Because of semantics and classifications that put some of us in boxes we might not belong in and which hold others of us in fear of being seen as something that doesn’t fit in a box because of… fear of rejection from a community?  …fear of letting go of an identity classification they worked so hard for?  – For me the issue of sexuality and gender identity has become thoroughly muddled.

This article began as an explanation of relationships evolved into a deep look into who I am.  It wasn’t my intention, but the topics are related.  My wife accepts me for who I am and I accept her.  That is what’s most important.

I suppose in the end the only thing that matters is this:  I’m glad I married my best friend.

The Man from Merrell

Ok a little background:   I wrote this story while at work on a register while I was working at a shoe store in Massachusetts years ago.  I used notepad which had no spell check and printed it out on three inch wide receipt paper.  This was written in between customers and is very rough, but it seems nice that way.  You should read this and take from it whatever you do, and then reply and tell me what you thought it was saying (or more specifically, it said to you).  Then maybe i can take all of the replies and compile them into a sweet book that Oprah will love and make me a bestseller!  Man that woman’s rich…

Enjoy!

Once upon a time there was a man from the magical kingdom of Merrell .  He went hiking on Mount Ugg .  Halfway up the mountain he ran into another lone hiker from a different part of Merrell.  An area that didn’t agree with the rest of the Merell kingdom. 

 

They did not get a long at all and before long they began to fight about their religious beliefs.  In the midst of beating the fear of God into each other they rolled to close to the edge of the mountain.  They fell off and got stuck hanging on the edge of the cliff.  One hiker holding to the cliff face, the other hanging onto the others right leg.

 

The top hiker is facing a moral dilemma.   Should he help the other hiker to safety as his god would want?  Or should he kick the savage hiker off and send him to meet the Lord face to face?  If he tries either, will he be able to climb to safety before his magnetic-like grip fails?

 

** Join us next week for the exciting conclusion of our hair-raising adventure.**

 

 

 

***NEXT WEEK****

 

After hanging off of the edge of a cliff for an entire week while holding another man’s weight attached to his leg, the hiker’s magnetic-like grip began to fail.  Gravity was forcing him to make a life or death decision for the both of them.  Just as he feared the worst for the both of them he heard a voice from above him.

 

“Don’t worry, I am your saviour!”

 

The man from Merrell was shocked!  The upper man from merrell stammered, “Is that you God?”

 

“No,” the voice replied.  “I am a shepherd from outside the kindom of Merrell.  I have been searching for a lost sheep on this lonely mountain pass.  I thought I heard its bleating but found you here instead.”  The shepherd leaned over and offered his crook to the hanging man.  “Come to me, I will save you as if you were one of my flock.”

 

At the same time the lower man from Merrell also felt his grip giving and was worried as to what the man he was hanging from was thinking.  Just then he too heard a voice.

 

“My child, let go.  I am below you and will catch you if you fall.”

 

The lower man from Merrell was so shocked he almost lost his grip.  “Are y-you a-an angel? He stammered. 

 

“No,” said the voice.  “I am a snake charmer who wandered up this mountain in search of a snake I lost.  I though I saw a flash of its hide on this ledge below you but it was just your bright shirt.”  He held out his arms to the man.  “Let go and I will catch you.”

 

The men from the magical kingdom of Merrell had come to an important decision point.  Two separate saviors had come and offered safety to them.  The conversation that ensued was fierce and heated.

 

The men from Merrell both looked at each other with hope in their eyes.  “Come with me brother, I have found our savior!”

 

They were both astonished as they echoed each others words back at each other.

 

The lower man from Merrell said, “Just let go and we will be caught by our savior the snake charmer.”

 

The upper man from Merrell said, “Just hang on and we will be pulled up by our savior the shepherd.”

 

A battle of wills ensued and the bickering lasted well into the night and into the following morning.  Finally the men came to a decision to each be helped by their own savior.

 

The higher man from Merrell said, “I’m reaching up!”

 

The lower man from Merrell sain, “I’m letting go!”

 

Each did this at the same time.

 

The upper man from Merrell reached up to the shepherd to find that he had left, disgusted by the fighting over who was right.  With no one to help him over the ledge he lost his grip and plummeted towards the ground below.

 

The lower man from Merell let go and reached his arms out to the snake charmer only to find that he had left, equally as disgusted by the bickering.  With no one to catch him he plummeted towards the ground below with the other man from Merrell.

 

As they fell they had time to make amends with the other man for the wrongs each had committed.

 

The lower man looked over at the upper man from Merrell with tears in his eyes.

 

The upper man looked over at the lower man from Merrell with tears in his eyes.

 

As if one person was speaking their words came out synchronized yet again before they hit the ground.

 

“This is all your fault”

 

******

 

The snake charmer and the shepherd met each other on the opposite side of the mountain.  Both had found the others missing item and they happily exchanged them.

 

The snake charmer put his snake into a bag on his hip with the rest of his snakes.

 

The shepherd began herding the sheep down the hill towards the rest of his flock.

 

They were near the base of Mount Ugg when they heard the scream.

 

“This is all your fault!”

 

The men walked slowly down the mountain arm in arm, silently shaking their heads.  As they walked off into the distance the shepherd smiled a grim smile at the snake charmer.

 

“They will never learn will they?”

 

At the very bottom of the mountain path they passed a man beginning his hike up the mountain.  They smiled at him and went on their way.

 

******

 

Once upon a time there was a man from the magical kingdom of Merrell .  He went hiking on Mount Ugg .  Halfway up the mountain he ran into another lone hiker from a different part of Merrell.  An area that didn’t agree with the rest of the Merell kingdom…

 

Aside

   So I got a new job last year which has kept me extremely busy.  I am planning on getting back into writing very soon however I am still busy right now.  But…

 

Image

Winter is coming.

 

I also just wanted to say that I got a pretty big head when 97.5 WHFS did EXACTLY what I told them to do.  Do I get royalties or something? 

 

I think I should.

97.5 WHFS you’re back! What are you thinking?

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few months (or you live outside of the Baltimore/Washington area) you may have noticed something exciting!   HFS is back!  The monarch of music –The radio station of radio stations  –The alliteration of alliterations?

I ran out, give me a break.

HFS defined my  middle and high school years.  Great music, the HFStival, Awesome DJ’s: Neci, Tim Virgin, Rob Timm, Bob Waugh, G Crash –mmmmmmm I love me some Gina Crash.

Apparently the most difficult thing in the world is finding pictures of Crash.

The list goes on.  Basically it was the awesome for years.  Then one day they suddenly switched to El Zol  –which is great if you like tropical Latin dance music.  No warning.  It sucked.

But you didn't yell surprise, did you HFS?

98 Rock had a party celebrating the death of a rival.  DC 101 played multiple tributes, spoke of how petty 98 Rock was and mourned the loss of a compatriot.

But now it’s back!  Hell yeah!  All is right with the world!

“But wait… Why are you writing a rant then?”  –I seem to hear you say.  Well I’ll tell you.  Since the triumphant return of HFS I’ve found a few issues –3 to be exact.

1.  There is a new ad campaign that HFS is running:

(Paraphrasing):  “HFS, the radio station where you don’t have to listen to this <enter rock ballad usually found on 98 ROCK> to hear this <enter new alternative rock song mashup>  HFS, Baltimore’s alternative… to 98 Rock.”

Come the fuck on HFS.  The shit 98 Rock did in 2005 throwing that party was some petty bullshit.  Why would you have an awesome comeback 6 years later and then start your own petty bullshit campaign?  What is wrong with your ad department?  You guys are better than that.  You can stand on the merits of your music and lineup alone, you don’t need to be that arrogant kid who pushes people around because he can.  Plus, some of those ballads are pretty good.

Don’t be a dick, HFS.

2.  Ok, I’m all for Nostalgia, and some amazing and magical moments were had at HFStivals in the past.  The idea of the “HFStival echo” was a good one in theory.  Some of the songs you guys are playing in these echos are classics and are awesome –when we listen to the studio recordings.  The live performances of some of the bands are terrible.  Don’t try to pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about.  I love Everclear as much as anyone, and I’m sorry Art, but that crap version of Santa Monica from the festival should NEVER be heard again.

It's cool. I'll dry my tears with all the money I'll make from writing angry songs about you.

It should be lost in the archives.  That isn’t the only one that has been bad, but it is the only one that has irrevocably burnt itself into my memory and so far no amount of drinking has been able to get it out.

Oh god I can still hear it!

My advice?  Have someone listen to these songs before you play them, don’t just play them for nostalgia’s sake.  Fuck, some of them are really terrible.  Cut that shit out HFS.

And finally,

3.  I love that Tim Virgin, Neci and Gina -ohgodyes- Crash are back on the air.  They are awesome and always sound excited and pump you up for your day.

Tim being on in the morning is awesome.  You’re headed into work and you have him playing awesome upbeat music with his “excited-as-fuck-to-be-bringing-you-awesome-music” voice.  I love it.

G Crash relieves him and it’s all cool.  You have her hanging out with you all through the day.  Lunch time?  Gina Crash.  Oh yeah. Your lunch has now become the best lunch ever.  Are you drooling because you’re hungry or because Crash is on?  The only real decision you have to make is do you sing along or chew?

Crash leaves as you’re finishing up work but it’s cool because it’s HFS!  You’re sure that someone cool is going to hang out with you during your terrible rush hour commute hom—who the fuck is Chris Emry?

Now let me get this straight:  It’s not that I don’t like Chris Emry because he doesn’t bring the same memories up from my teenage years/early twenties, it’s because he is not a good DJ.

During your rush hour ride home, which is usually the longest time you’ll spend in the car listening to the radio; the time you need to keep your spirits up so you don’t kirk out and start GTAing everyone around you, you have this guy.  A guy with a completely bland voice, no excitement, who makes awkward jokes, who obviously does not connect with this generation or the previous generations who listen to the station.

Is he the station president’s son or something?  How did he get that prime time slot gig?

Fuck, put Josie or Spam on during rush hour.  Someone cool who will keep you pumped and make you want to stay in your car longer.  I’d say give Neci his spot, but she obviously likes the night time slot.  She’s been there forever.  I love you too girl, you keep up the awesome!

I don’t know who’s decision it was to put Chris Emry in that time slot, but it wasn’t a good one.  He’d be good for like Sunday morning… before 10… so before most people are awake.

I wouldn’t say fire the guy, but wh… ok.  I feel like I’m beating a dead horse.   You get the picture.  Don’t you guys listen to your own station?  He’s not who you want to hear when you’re feeling depressed-stuck in traffic.

Other than that,  you guys are doing an awesome job of playing awesome music! Keep it up.  We missed you and we’re glad you’re back.  I haven’t listened to another channel since you guys came back.

…though I might have to head back over to DC 101 during rush hour if it doesn’t get any better.